one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
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[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.