He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
When someone trying to leave me
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.