*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
This is hilarious….
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.