My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
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My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
This kid is a star!
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here