[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
two people or more is called a problem
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
❤️🦆
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.