How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
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“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Comparing yourself to others
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.