I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
You Might Also Like
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead