Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
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My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner