ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
You Might Also Like
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.