I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.