Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.