Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.