Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
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Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.