Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
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[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please