[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
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Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I am having an out of money experience.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.