This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
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Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
🍞🦆
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age