I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
You Might Also Like
the noise i just made
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.