“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
it be like that
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled