Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
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Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.