[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
You Might Also Like
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.