*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
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Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”