Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The Sun
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!