When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
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People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
i wish we could shoplift online
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Who does Amazon think I am?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.