learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
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“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.