*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
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My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.