Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
You Might Also Like
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Covid like
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
❤️🦆
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy