I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
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Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”