Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Smells like a challenge to me
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?