Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I am having an out of money experience.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*