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On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…