honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
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It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
This chloroform smells expensiv…
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.