Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
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therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Me sliding into hell like
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby