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The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.