My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
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of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
This is a true ally.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”