still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳