Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
this… may be the greatest story ever told
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.