Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
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*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.