I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
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They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
ok this is my dumbest yet
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Sorry not sorry.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.