Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
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Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.