[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
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i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
That’s enough internet for the day
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
How do you milk an almond?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.