Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
You Might Also Like
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Great game to play with friends
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.