Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Tuesday
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?