Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
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I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.