That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine