I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Feels like the fourth month in January
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk