5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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My background check bounced.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
😂😂
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?