My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
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The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
it’s the silliest best thing
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas