Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”