I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..