therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
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As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Hmmmmm
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk